The Card Cheat

​I love to play cards. But I also love to cheat at cards. This can be a problem sometimes with the other players. I love to talk smack when I play cards. If I try hard I can even count the cards. All of this can make for a hilarious game or frustrated players. While I do not like to lose I can usually take it with a smile because it happens so seldom.

My cheating is so obvious that I cannot believe people do not catch me. They may suspect but they seldom unless I want them to catch me in the act. It is also because people tend to trust me and think I am fair. Which of course I am except occasionally in card games. I also bluff cheat. This is when I say I am cheating but really am not. I do this usually when I know I am due a good hand. So the odds play in my favor and I have a good hand and even though the other players have been watching me like a shark I win the hand easily. Which then makes my opponents think I have some supernatural powers of cheating. The only problem is every good hand you are dealt they think you have cheated.

My cheating style is simple if you do not cut the deck and even the edges I know where the cards I placed on the bottom are. Of course I can also guesstimate with surprising results where they are by how many cards you pick up to cut the deck. So if I am playing Rook a card game with a widow. I place all the cards in the widow and know I can bet the widow.

Now I often tell my opponents that the cards are marked when they are not and they become upset when they cannot see the marked cards and I can. Of course the cards are not marked. I just place the “marked” card fifth or so from the top of the deck when they are not paying attention and say its marked. I then proceed to say see the markings on the card. They look fervently and find nothing but before turning it over I name the card. They take the card in their hand and continue to look sometimes finding unique markings that are not there.

My family are convinced I have powers way beyond my capabilities in cheating. When returning my cards to the dealer I will palm a high card. I will then hold my palms up revealing the card but often they will not see it. Or they will see it and proceed to make me stand up and roll up my sleeves in case I have hidden other cards. But this convinces them I am a card shark and a half.

My father was the worst card player ever. He enjoyed the conversation of cards more than paying any attention to what was played. Therefore he ended up making the worst plays possible. My wife plays to help the esteem of the girls. She seems to think our girls have very fragile egos because her plays always help them win.

When they get frustrated at my shenanigans they all gang (even my partner) up on me to ensure I lose. Then I play my repentant sad sack card and eventually they relent and stop. Of course after they relent that is when I cheat. They need to know it is a cruel world out there and do not trust anyone.

Why do I cheat? It started with my Mom. Who was a very good card player but not very observant. I had two friends who I played cards with all the time. After our Saturday night shenanigans we always met at my house to play cards into the wee hours of the morning. But being only three we needed a fourth player sometimes we would have another friend come but most of the time we woke up my Mom and she played with us. After a game or two of playing normal we then proceeded to cheat boldly. It was the three of us against the unwise mother. Even her partner cheated with us. But the object would be to cheat obviously and see how far we could go before she got a clue.

This would lead to some hilarious coughing spells where someone would practically fall out of their chairs and pick up the cards they laid on the floor. We were a generous bunch always getting each other a drink. We would then before we went into the kitchen over my Mom’s head show our hands in Vanna White style while we engaged my Mom in conversation. She never became suspicious even when we never came back with what we went for. In fact we would send another player to retrieve the forgotten snack or drink and they would repeat the pattern. Our conversations would run like this. Terry you are the ace of spades when it comes to dancing your moves are so fine. Mike, Sally your queen stole your heart didn’t she? Another method we would use was to have two decks of the same kind. We would often play the ace of spades twice (one from the other deck). When she would say I thought the ace of spades had already been played we all with our most innocent expressions would say no it has not. This usually sufficed but occasionally she would challenge and we would turn over the cards that had already been played and two ace of spades would not be found because we had returned one to the second deck.

You see my Mom provided me with positive feedback on my cheating. She made it fun. Not once did I ever face the consequences of my cheating. Her laxity was my downfall. So today with abandonment I cheat. My friends and I have long since lost contact with each other. Some say that is just the nature of life sometimes friends come and go. But my guess is how could we continue the friendships when there is no way I could trust those cheaters. Why they would even cheat my saintly mother.    

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